TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be great. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely from position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Satisfied Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Certainly, positive, let us have A further place where by American Gentlemen can wear robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is less complicated: supply Every person a suite on the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


According to paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly tender power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he must quit using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the job, replied, "You recognize, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic men and women. Fantastic tan. In any case, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head noticeable from Place, a attribute being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents as well as the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after finding the creating's gold plating reflected a great deal of daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not just unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Puzzling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest component in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place friends may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The advert campaign, not long ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxurious is Without end."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly Trump Tower Damascus divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "wherever's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting attention from Worldwide traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will also consist of:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge wherever my PTSD can have turn-down company."


A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Ideas through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It necessary gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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